THE 50 WAYS SERIES
by Miss Whoniverse
Summary: I know that there are many stories like these but I really wanted to try some : It's a series of lists for each Cullen. Rated T for mention of sex many times. They're like, "50 Ways for Jasper to Abuse his Power" etc. Funny!
1. 50 Ways for Emmett to get into Trouble

**I know there are SO many stories like this one but I wanted to try my hand!!**

**50 Things that Emmett Cullen has been Banned from Doing**

**Enjoy! I don't own Twilight - otherwise there would be no Jacob. He would have been painfully killed off at some stage and Bella would have been changed, hence forgetting about Jacob, hence not wasting valuable book time grieving about her personal sun being snuffed out. XD**

Tell Alice that yes, that dress makes her look fat

Steal Jasper's war souvenirs and replace them with cheap rip-offs

Play Paintball with real guns

Have wars with trees

Convince children than abandoned trains are haunted by the ghosts of clowns

Fight with himself in his head until Edward's explodes

Try to teleport to the 'other realm' by leaping into the open fridge

Staring at Bella intently whenever she is eating and imitate her movements

Catch Bella when she falls only to drop her again

Bring home dead animals and cry about how 'the flowers got him'

Try to play Wizards Chess with normal chess sets

... when the pieces don't attack each other, smash them himself

Fill up piggybanks only to smash them then sob about the poor dead pig

Wear black contacts and stalk Bella with a hungry look

... continue until she runs to Edward

Call Jacob and tell him that Edward accidentally killed Bella while trying to change her

Try to copyright his sex moves

Burst in on the other Cullen couples having sex and accuse them of breaching his copyright

Come into the Emergency Room and demand to see Carlisle because his period is late

Call the hospital and ask if his contagious penis cancer medicine is ready

Picture Bella naked while Edward is there

Picture Jasper and Edward naked together while Edward is there

...then yell about how they breached his copyright

...then turn to Jasper and sob about how he 'thought they had something special'

Walk to his room conspicuously while winking at Bella saying "I'll see you soon."

...barge back out of his room a few minutes later wearing a sheet

...ask Bella where the hell she was and why she wasn't up there with him

...suddenly realise Rosalie and Edward are there, squirm, and run out of the room

Sing and dance to "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake

Repeat 29 while staring intently at Bella and Edward making out

Read one of Carlisle's medical books, counting every word out loud

...announce joyfully exactly how many words are in the book

...realise that you didn't count all the publishing details

...go back and count them too

...claim that you cannot add them together, so you need to start from the beginning again

Kidnap Bella, strap her to a snowboard, push her down a mountain and film it

Kidnap Bella, tie her up and force her to make a hostage video in a dark room with guns

Send said video to Edward, demanding ransom money in the millions

Claim to have had crazy sex with Edward's piano

Claim to have had crazy sex with Edward's car

Claim to have had crazy sex with Edward's wife

Claim to have had crazy sex with Edward

Attempt to rape Carlisle

Attempt to rape a werewolf

Claim that said werewolf enjoyed it

Burn copies of "Wolf Creek" and hack into the TV industries

...broadcast said movie right from the bloody bit onto every channel to every TV

...walk outside and listen to the sudden screaming coming from every corner of the globe

Wonder out loud where the eraser bits go

Fill all the school toilets with clear jelly

**Hey! Hope you enjoyed. Word was stuffing up so I couldn't space out each number, so the fic looks really short. I may make more chapters like '50 Things that Annoy Carlisle' or something. Depends on what people think. Review :D**


	2. 50 Ways to Annoy Emmett Cullen

**Hey guys! I had muchos funos writing this story so I am doing a sequel whether you wanted one or not!! It is just the 50 Things series, so not all of them will be things that they're banned from.**

**This time it is Edward's time to SHINE! XD**

**50 Ways to Annoy Edward Cullen**

1 Tell him that he is not allowed to go near Bella, 'just in case'

2 Call him Eddie (we all know that one)

3 Go to school with human food just for him and demand he eat it

4 If he doesn't, explain that he must keep up human appearances because the humans will get suspicious

5 If he still doesn't, burst into tears and cry about how he hates your cooking, until the cafeteria gives him death glares for upsetting you

6 Tell Bella that if she jumps from great heights and hurts herself, he will have to change her

7 Tell Rosalie that if she kills/changes Bella, all the danger will be over and they can be 'normal' again

8 Tell him that Bella was in a tragic accident

9 Give him irrevocable proof that Bella was in a tragic accident

10 Put Bella in a tragic accident

11 Kidnap Bella and change her, then say Victoria did it

12 Get Victoria to do it

13 Send her off to the werewolves with a packed lunch and sleeping bag to stay over

14 Then laugh at him because he can't go 'rescue' her from their clutches

15 Have Emmett hold him down so you can escape after performing 13 and 14

16 Call Jacob and ask if he wants to buy Bella because she is on eBay

17 When he says yes, pocket the money and let him steal Bella

18 Put Bella's photo in a dating agency then direct all requests to him

19 Draw penises all over his CD's

20 Draw penises all over Bella

21 Draw penises all over yourself then tell Carlisle that he did it

22 Use Bella for javelin practice

23 Use Bella for shot-put practice

24 Spray Bella with whipped cream, instruct her to trash his room as loudly as possible, then inform him that she has rabies and the only way to get rid of it is to change her

25 Give Bella rabies then inform him that the only way to get rid of it is to change her

26 Take Alice shopping with his credit cards

27 Allow Alice to makeover his room

28 Allow Alice to be anywhere _near _his room

29 Buy a grand piano for the express purpose of destroying it slowly

30 Destroy his and replace it with said grand piano

31 Repeat process with a cello, violin, piccolo, viola, guitar, drum kit and some egg shakers

32 Leave roosters in his room in the middle of the night to wake Bella up at the crack of dawn

33 When confronted, insist they were intended as breakfast for him

34 Steal his wedding ring and replace it with a radio tracking coil

35 Track him wherever he goes

36 Make a fake video of said tracking, making it look as though he went to a porn shop

37 Plant porn in his room

38 Wash his car in pheromones **1**

39 Laugh and film as animals stampede his car, attracted to said pheromones

40 Tell Rosalie that it was him who put mud in her sexy boots

41 Redecorate the house with pictures of human models

42 Graffiti the pictures with slogans such as "I'm hotter than this one!"

43 Glue down the kitchen – cutlery to draws, pots to shelves, food to fridge, fridge to ground... the blame him

44 Burn Carlisle's medical bag and leave the obvious smelling ashes in a trail from the Mercedes to his room

45 Spread Jacob's scent all around Bella's room and underwear drawer **2**

46 Spread Carlisle's scent all around Bella's room and underwear drawer **3**

47 Have sex with his piano

48 Buy a cheese factory for him for Christmas, saying that it will fatten Bella up for him to eat her

49 Convince Bella that this is his actual plan

50 Host a rave party in his room, with POWERTHIRST and GLOWING SWEAT

**1 **Pheromones being the chemical that animals secrete when in season and looking for a mate. Animals will flock and try to mate with his car XD

**2 & 3 **Being aware that this will be annoying and potentially fatal to the other parties involved. But who cares about that?

**Hoped this was ok for you all. Personally, I hardly ever find my funny lines funny at all but I get people telling me that they are so I just keep going :D**

**Thank you so much to my most faithful supporters bloodnoir, and a new reader Maximum-Twilight-Ride who has reviewed on everything that I have put on this site, every chapter, every oneshot, everyeverything. ILY ALL WHO REVIEW! I wouldn't keep going without you guys XD**


	3. 50 Ways to Provoke Esme's Wrath

**Hey all! After the rather disappointing Breaking Dawn (I mean, why feel the obscene need for adding Renesme? WHY I ASK YOU, **_**WHY?!**_** It butchered the whole plot!) I didn't feel like writing for a while, but now I'm back and ready to go and I figured that a funny quickie like this would set me back into the rhythm of writing.**

**Oh, and also; lucky readers, my class for school is on some kind of torture camp all this working week but I'm not going because I'M ALLERGIC TO BULLSHIT meaning I get to stay home alone for five days doing nothing but write. Good for me, eh?**

**This one was quite difficult to write, actually, because only select few things would provoke Esme to discard her docile nature, and the things that would anger her would easily anger anyone else as well so if these are either weirdly random or completely normal and unfunny, my apologies!**

**And now, without any further ado, welcome to the:**

**50 Things that Will Provoke Esme's Wrath**

1 Pole vault with her cleaning supplies

2 In any way mutilate, damage, wrinkle, infest, poison, contaminate, or destroy her garden

3 Make a pornographic mural in her bedroom **1**

4 Insult her cooking

5 Make Bella sick

6 Concoct some kind of completely disgusting food and tell her that Esme made it

7 Poison her food so that she accidentally kills Bella, therefore getting herself killed by Edward

8 Ask her how babies are made

9 Demand a demonstration about how babies are made

10 Inform her kindly that this is indeed not how babies are made

11 Revoke her driver's license

12 Call the police regarding a wild, boisterous party hosted by one 'Mrs E Cullen'

13 Tell Charlie that you have a secret about Bella, but you will have to kill him if you say anything

14 Tell him the secret (vampires etc)

15 Kill him

16 Sing 'I Don't Need a Man,' by the Pussycat Dolls while in the vicinity of her

17 Hire the Pussycat Dolls to sing 'I Don't Need a Man,' in her bedroom

18 Buy a stripper (yes, that is _buy, _not hire)

19 Become a stripper

20 Enroll Esme in a pole-dancing school

21 Enroll Carlisle in a pole-dancing school

22 Spread Bella's scent all around Carlisle's underwear drawer **2**

23 Tell her that Bella is breathing a little too deeply in her sleep than is normal

24 Laugh as Esme frantically shakes Bella awake and asks her if she feels like she's functioning properly

25 Laugh harder as Edward kills Esme for interrupting Bella's sleep

26 Paint moustaches on all of her classical paintings

27 Graffiti her car with silly string and fluorescent pink designs

28 Streak around the house, bumping into as much as possible and rubbing up against walls and curtains etc with your 'lower region'

29 Laugh as Esme tries uncomfortably to explain to the humans why she needs to have the whole house fumigated

30 Stab yourself in front of Carlisle (near the heart so he can't save you the mundane way), forcing him to change you

31 Learn Judo so you can kick Emmett's ass into her favourite glass wall

32 Do any of the above in a public place...

33 ...then when she gets angry at you, announce loudly that it must be 'her time of the month'

34 Set the snails loose in her garden

35 Attempt mutiny against her 'abusive parenting'

36 Call one of those Self-Help lines and complain in a sobbing whisper that Esme stole your teddy bear and refuses to return it

37 Ask her how she and Carlisle conceived the kids

38 No matter what her response is, scream that she's lying and state the opposite (e.g. if she claims that Carlisle bit them, scream that it was really that they had sex but won't tell anyone and vice-versa)

39 Buy Emmett a PlayStation3 and leave it in the house

40 Buy Emmett any kind of noise-making or shiny object and leave it in the house

41 Give her any reason at all to believe that flowers are going extinct

42 Make flowers go extinct

43 Burn her garden

44 Watch as she freaks out about not being able to save the garden due to being allergic to fire

45 Send Carlisle to military camp

46 Send Bella to military camp

47 Send Edward to a 'Finding your Feminine Side' camp

48 Serve Bella Black Pudding on toast for dinner **3**

49 Make a music video of 'The Lady is a TrVamp' and post it all over YouTube

50 Encourage Emmett's love of the Spice Girls

**1 Read the fabulous series of 'July Fools Day' stories to understand this reference. You don't really need to read the series for it to be funny, but they're kickass stories!!**

**2 This is referencing last chapter**

**3 For those unaware, Black Pudding is the most feral concoction I have EVER encountered. It is a pâté type mix that is made by boiling blood with fat **

**GUYS! While writing this I had an incredibly awesome idea that I am going to make into a oneshot! And also, I know fully and completely (having thoroughly searched) that nobody else has come up with said idea, so I will be copyrighting it :**


	4. 50 Ways for Jasper to Abuse his Power

**Yay! Thankyou reviewers, especially Future Cullen X who gave me the idea for number 3, and bloodnoir who reviews everything. ILY GUYS XD**

**Welcome to the instalment that I am currently most fond of, **

**50 Ways for Jasper to Abuse his Power**

1 Make Bella suicidal

2 Make Edward really thirsty while near Bella

3 Make Carlisle fall in love with Edward

4 Make Rosalie fall in love with Bella

5 Make Esme destructive around the house

6 Walk around on the beaches (sexily) while filling the air with lust

7 Invite the fangirls to meet Carlisle while filling the air with lust

8 Make Emmett feel daring on a sunny day (use your imagination)

9 Fill Rosalie and Emmett's room with repulsion while they're doing the dirty deed

10 Fill Edward and Bella's room with sexiness while they're trying to avoid doing the dirty deed

11 Fill Esme and Carlisle's room with boredom while they're doing the dirty deed

12 Force Alice to be destructive while she's standing in her closet

13 Make Bella bounce around with excitement (bounce bounce bounce... out the window)

14 Then hold Edward down with lethargy so he can't leap out and save her

15 Plant an active pipe bomb in Carlisle's office under a DO NOT TOUCH cloth, then fill him with curiosity when he catches sight of it

16 Repeat, only in Bella's bedroom

17 When Bella is lining up to leap off a cliff with Jacob, fill her with self-hate and angst

18 Repeat, but when she is holding a kitchen knife at her house

19 Whenever Alice has a vision, force-fill her with some kind of extreme emotion that captivates her mind completely; blocking Edward from seeing whatever it was

20 Repeat over and over again until his head explodes

21 When Edward and Bella are kissing, make her fall asleep

22 Do 21 multiple times until Edward becomes sure that Bella is bored of him

23 Make Bella bored of him

24 When he curls up in a fit of depression, lift it off him and make him start dating Tanya

25 Get Carlisle to change Bella behind Edward's back using persuasion and reason (artificially of course)

26 Pin Emmett to the ground with total and complete lethargy, then force feed him banana yoghurt

27 Concentrate on erasing all your thirst, and peck Bella on the cheek

28 Make Edward's resulting heart attack from 27 more intense

29 Call a family meeting and then just pin everyone down with supersonic immobility

30 Advance menacingly on Bella while they all watch helplessly. Fill them with fear and anticipation

31 While running from them so they can't kill you after your performance in 30 laugh manically and spread the humour to them

32 DELETED DUE TO 'I WANT TO MAKE A ONESHOT OUT OF IT' SYNDROME

33 ALSO DELETED DUE TO IWTMAOOOI SYNDROME

34...

**Okay, people, terribly sorry, but I cannot RESIST going away now and making the oneshots I just thought of. Also, hands up if you guys think I should make a sister story with the actual story of all these points? Like a big long chapter where Jasper does all this to people etc. Review with hands up or hands down pls. XD**

**Also, the oneshot mentioned last chapter is waiting to be written so I'm off to do that now. STAY ALERT BECAUSE THERE SHOULD BE ONE OR TWO NEW STORIES ONLINE WITHIN A FEW HOURS, and I'm looking to wrap up some of my other stories too.**

**Price of Forever is on the waiting list to be completed – only one or two chapters left!**


End file.
